Rumblings on the eve of 49

Mid-life Crisis

 No, I am not going to talk about saggy bits and grey hair. I feel very stressed. Like a volcano is building inside me. I have had a few mini erruptions in the last few weeks. Where is the anger coming from asked my lovely husband. A question I ask myself too. Where is it coming from? This pressure is a bit like a a balloon that keeps inflating, putting pressure in my gut and on my lungs and I can’t breathe. My stomach feels constricted and I have the urge to scream and scream. I am having an existential crisis. My sister told me that existential crisis spells "your mind f*****ng with you. Stop it. Keep it otherwise occupied".

 But my mind today has one-track. So I use that track and go exploring. 

All this angst-maybe, probably, quite possibly and highly likely- might be about my turning 49 tomorrow. Tomorrow? Tomorrow!  Next year I will be 50. What does 50 mean? I feel the rage welling up inside as I think 50! When did I get to 50? How does 50 feel? How’s it meant to feel? I feel just me. Not 30 nor 50 nor anything. 

And, on the eve of almost 50 I feel a failure.  What have I achieved in my life? A crap relationship with my mother, one failed marriage that cost me 9 years of misery, a failed career and a couple of aborted attempts to do other stuff like personal fitness and writing. All these talents wasted and not used. This is my story: get passionate and excited about something, do it ad nauseum, or talk about doing it more like, and then nothing…onto the next thing. What have I done and I am doing with my life? In what way am I a useful person in this world. Of course the question is: why do I have to be useful? And what does useful mean? Stoooop! You are driving me crazy!

A part of me is laughing at me writing this. A little sane voice, that just might be my soul trying to peek through this gloomy veil, says: "Nothing lasts forever and you’ll lift out of this mood soon enough".  

"Sure, that is true, but whilst here, why not use this black energy to discover something, to move on? "

"To move on to what? Are you kidding yourself that you are spiritual, on some path to enlightenment?". (This certainly is not my soul speaking but one big mother-f****r of a sabotaging super-ego).

"Yes, I gues I am. "

"You are what?  Kidding yourself or you are on a path to enlightenment?"

"Both. I am kidding myself and if I believe it enough, it might become true. "Then write" interjects the little soul voice now. "Writing is your salvation. Engage with the world through writing".

 I have not been very engaged recently. Not bothering to respond to emails, finding texting even a bit of a drag. I didn't even feel like having a birthday party. A first in...ahem... 49 years. I feel weary. And these last few weeks I hate my job. Too busy and hassled. I feel bored, listless, even as I have things to do. No purpose looms high. Haven’t written much at all these days.  And why aren’t I meditating? Why do I resist everything that makes me feel good and at peace with myself? Because I am lazy. Because I like to wallow in self pity..because...oh! I don’t know! 

This all is so confusing. Where are these words coming from? Why don’t other people have this existential angst. "An unexamined life is not worth living". Who said that? And what a lot of tosh. An unexamined life is a perfectly peaceful life with no existential angst. Taking things as they come and not second guessing yourself all the bloody time. No urge to go to silent retreats that numb your brain and contort your legs and spine, no impulse to contemplate death and all your horrid faults, no need to go sit in a frigging circle of stones without food for days on end, and no appetite for scratching wounds long healed. Right. There. And would I, the drama queen, want such a life?

Ok no more of this today! Today is the day before my 49^th birthday. A year before my 50^th. Half a century of life. Most of it happy. There is no life without sorrows and I’ve had my good share of happiness and joy. A lucky life, full of people that love me and value me. A life full of opportunities and fun.  I have a wonderful partner and a loving relationship. I have a supportive family and lovely friends,  the privilege of a second career that contributes a little bit to the world. I have travelled, and still do, to see the wonders of this Earth. I have a life full of adventures, love and affection, companionship and indulgence. I have a privileged life that I enjoy, that allows me space and time to experiment and explore both my inner and outer world. 

So, on this day, the eve of my 49th birthday, I ban any existential mind-f**k and acknowledge that I have a life worth living. A life in which script I would not change a thing. I give thanks to the woman that brought me into this world, I am grateful to both my parents for the chances they gave me. I have gratitude for my family, teachers and friends for supporting me, teaching me and helping me grow through the years. I look forward to a few more decades of  exploration, travels, friendships and love. Heck, I am even looking forward to a few more decades of existential angst.

...and pray  Gods, that I have just had my midlife crisis now, so that next year on my birthday I will just be looking for the party.