On Forgiving

To forgive or not to forgive? 

I look through the list of questions to consider in preparation for the Vision Quest. One particular question raises such an emotional reaction from me, I have no choice but to tackle it. The first part asks to think about who I would need to forgive. The second part what I need to forgive myself for.

I draw up my list of those I need to forgive. I do this methodically and with trepidation, as I know that dwelling on these questions will unleash an exhausting miasma of hot lava of self-righteousness and an icy fury.

I start big: My mother. That complex relationship of unaccountable and incomprehensible hurts we inflicted on each other in the face of immense love. I blamed her for not loving me enough, for hideously putting a brutal mirror in front of my face; I blamed her for getting ill and disappearing into self-pity, making herself unavailable and destroying my illusion of a happy family.  Strangely I can’t summon the hurt though. I realise that I have finally accepted that she did her best with what resources she had. I know that she loved me and that her own suffering was beyond anything I have ever experienced.  In the absence of the searing knife twists in my gut I realise that I have already forgiven her. I feel a lightness in this realisation. 

Well, ok. Good. Onto my ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend then. Neither loved me as I deserved or needed to. I have dealt with them though, quite unintentionally at some subconscious level, at my last meditation retreat and left lighter and happier than I felt in years.

Those of you that know me are well aware that I am not Mother Theresa. I can hold grudges; I can feel bitterly vengeful and can dwell in the land of righteous indignation for a long, long time.  So, there must be people that I need to forgive.

Let’s see: A jealous, destructive ex-colleague, a threatened boss, the hideous creature from my childhood, hurtful, ungrateful, unappreciative friends and mean relatives. A long list of slights insults and hurts. Intentional and unintentional. Real and perceived.  I start by taking out each incidence and examine it. I bring to mind the person and the grievance...  the blood rushes to my head my heart beats faster I feel hot my hands are fluttering my gut contracts my throat constricts I want to scream to lash out in bubbling anger I want to kick them on the ground to see them writhing in pain my eyes hurt from holding back hot tears I can’t breathe…. I am exhausted…my energy is depleted…I feel bereft and wretched. I stop. Can I forgive them? The very clear answer is NO! My whole being rebels at the idea of forgiving these hideous creatures that made me suffer. That left blemishes in my heart and soul. I don’t care why they did it. I don’t care if they are miserable and wretched themselves. At my most vengeful I wish them harm. At my most sane I banish them into the land where the ice queen reigns. Forgive them? No way. I cling to my self-righteousness. I wallow in its luxuriant, damaging comfort.

 My friend CT says that there is an implicit “you have to forgive” in the question of who to forgive and she questions if that is so. That gets me thinking. Morally we are taught that forgiveness is good. But I can’t buy that.  Under what morality does someone who has been mean, vengeful, hurtful and destructive deserve absolution? The slights and hurts from these people well up and overwhelm me yet again. As the emotional hooks of the past dig into my stomach, as the knives twist in my gut and flood my brain beyond reasonable thought, certainly light years away from peace of mind, I have a startling insight: Forgiving has nothing to do with the person you are forgiving and all to do with yourself. Holding onto grudges and hurt is holding onto negative emotional energy. Letting go of the negative emotional energy frees you, not the person who hurt you.  It frees YOU.

Forgiveness is the self-serving thing to do. The smart thing to do. Clear out emotional crap and hurt, let them go and make space for lightness. Whether the person you are forgiving knows or cares is irrelevant. You are forgiving for yourself. But, still, even realising this, I can’t find it in my heart to let go of some of those hurts.

And what about the second part of the question? What do I need to forgive myself for?  I force myself to visit all the shameful, despicable, uncompassionate, vengeful, thoughtless words and actions purposeful or accidental, justified or undeserved…as many as I can remember. A big job-lot. Some involving loved ones, some strangers, a lot in relation to the people I can’t forgive. My chest heaves. Shame is a heavy burden and it drags me down. Can I forgive myself all the hurt and pain I caused others? Applying the same rules as I do for those I can’t forgive, I give no absolution to myself either, no reprieve.

Yet, beyond the addictive energy of anger and indignation and the seductive power of self-pity and self –flagellation, I still ache for peace of mind and I know it will elude me until I let go of the negative emotional energy bonds that hold me to the past. I need to forgive them and me for me.

I take a deep breath. Perhaps I can start a bit simpler. Maybe I can begin by forgiving myself for not being able to forgive.  The rest will come.